My Richard

I’ve been watching reruns of friends and I am already in the episode where Monica and Richard breaks up. It made me so sad because I think I found my Richard.

While it wasn’t a baby that I wanted, I did wan’t to be in a real relationship. This guy was never really ready for a relationship. He’s older than me. Not the Richard Monica age gap but he’s definitely old enough to know what he wants. Old enough to settle down. I hoped everyday we were together, every trip we took, every year that passed that maybe today he’s ready. Maybe today it’s only me he needs.

This was never the case. Being vocal about how I felt never was in my favor. It just left me staring blankly in the toilet. What’s my next move? How can I think of tomorrow without him? I couldn’t.

Even when I know there is no “Us” that there probably won’t be any “Us” It’s so hard to let go. It’s so hard to just forget about everything.

So I did the stupidest thing I could manage. I told him it was alright. I told him I still want to be with him. It’s a cycle I am not ready to break.

I wish I had the courage Monica had. The courage to go for what I really wanted. But for now, Its not only a relationship I want. It’s him.